Fear of First Steps

This morning I watched my 14-year-old daughter struggle with keeping a commitment that she made to spend her spring break working at the family greenhouse. It's a first. She's never done it before.

She asked me if she had to go and I, of course, told her yes. I reminded her that we have millions of "firsts" in our lives and they can feel scary, terrifying, even. The more we face our fears, the easier they get and the more we grow and learn. The more terrifying they are, the better the benefits.

Then, as I watched her, head down, tears flowing, I told her, "This. This moment right now is the hardest part of any first." Once we actually begin, it feels easier, but it's those moments right before we step straight into the unknown that are the most daunting. And those moments after? The most rewarding.

Where are your thoughts about starting something new in your life holding you back? Are you willing to do it anyway? My daughter did and I didn't even have to hold her hand. ❤

One Step at a Time

My friends, we all go through things. Yesterday, what I called a "written meditation," came up in my memories from 7 years ago. Exactly 7 years ago, I was feeling hopeless. Stuck. Wondering what was the point of anything I was doing.

That doesn't sound like me does it? That's because it isn't. Some say that every 7 years we are actually completely new versions of our physical selves. It's not scientifically accurate, but it's a nice idea, isn't it? Cells die and are replaced with new ones. It, at least, serves as a reminder that old habits and beliefs can die and be replaced by new ones. Habits and beliefs that serve and support us rather than hindering and hurting us.

6 months after writing that, I left my marriage of 15-years. I realized that people who love you actually treat you with love and with the support of my parents, I took my 3 children and moved home to begin again. To regenerate. To heal.

I started the process of rebuilding self-esteem that had been eroded by a man professed his love in one breath, but tore me down in the next.

I chose to consciously create a life that felt good, surround myself with people (like you) who lifted me up, and to choose in favor of my passions every single day.

Now, here I am, 7 years later and I'm one of the happiest people I know, doing work that lights up my heart, and my life is filled with the most incredible relationships that anyone could ask for in a lifetime.

If you knew that one step today could lead you to your ideal life tomorrow, would you take it? Will you take it? You don't have to walk alone. I'm here to walk with you, hold your hand when you feel unsteady, and remind you that anything is possible.

Synchronicity and Introducing Spirit Cafe Podcast!

Have you ever had one of those moments where something feels different? Something inside of you says, “Pay attention! This is going to impact your life!” I have them now and again. Most often I’ve had it just before meeting a person who makes a monumental impact in my life - I become aware of them and there’s this tingling knowing that occurs.

About 4 years ago, I had one of those moments. I was attending a corporate event with the company that I worked for and they brought in a motivational speaker. I’ve seen a few of those, you know? Heck, I am one of those! And this one was different. He brought a whip. He said words that I can’t recall, but that saying is true… I remember how he made me feel. I felt uplifted, inspired, and excited. I wanted to be doing what he was doing! Well, maybe without the whip.

Fates aligned and I ended up in a small breakout group that he was leading. I was thrilled; I didn’t know much about him, but I knew that he was an accomplished and gifted speaker and I wasn’t going to miss the chance to introduce myself to John Davis, Corporate Action Hero! John recently shared his recollections of our meeting on his podcast, Inner Action Hero, with one of the nicest introductions that I’ve ever had!

Fast forward several years and suddenly there’s a message from John in my LinkedIn inbox. Would I like to be a guest on his podcast series? Of course! The conversation was so much fun that we did it twice! And we both wanted more. Authentic, invigorating conversations can be hard to come by, especially within the area of spirituality. When we discovered that we’re both what we call “recovered Catholics,” we knew there was more to discover. So, when John suggested that we do our own podcast, I jumped at the opportunity, even though I felt nowhere near ready to delve into the podcast arena!

Take that leap!

Now, as we wrap up recording our 5th episode, I invite you into our Spirit Cafe Podcast Community. We’re everywhere that podcasts are, as well as on Facebook and YouTube.

Join us, let us read your thoughts, and suggest topics. We’re excited about this journey and would love to share it with you!

Surprise! There's More to Heal: What to do when shit surfaces.

Three innocent words, “Happy Birthday, Handsome!” Written on a friend’s timeline. My body had a response I wasn’t expecting. I tensed up, my breath shallowed, and my mind suggested that I was doing something wrong; that I was going to get into trouble.

Then I remembered: I’m safe. That person can’t hurt me anymore. I’m allowed to be friends with men. It’s even ok to flirt.

The lingering effects of domestic abuse don’t simply subside because you leave the relationship. Healing happens in layers and occasionally, even years later, layers surface and surprise us. There’s nothing wrong with us when it happens, so instead of asking yourself that harmful question, orient yourself. Look around the room you’re in. Feel your toes on the floor, your back against your chair, your fingers on that warm mug, or the keyboard, or the table. Give your attention to your breath and consciously slow it down and deepen it. Remind yourself where you are now, in this moment. Where you are now, in your life. Safe. Free. Whole. Yes, even if there’s more healing to do, you are whole. You were never broken, only broken down.

When the shit surfaces, love it. Love it for the reminder of where you were and what you’ve come through. Love it for the reminder to never allow it again. Love it for the message it sends to strengthen your emotional core, learn your worth (if you don’t know it yet), make yourself a priority, create and keep healthy boundaries, and never, ever again let someone else’s hurtful voice become the one in your head.

You are whole. You are worthy. You are lovable. Welcome the layers when they come up because over time, they are smaller, shorter, and allow you to see just how far you’ve come.

February Purification: Burn Away Harmful Habits and Make Way for Healthier New Ones

According to Ancient Romans, February is a time for purification and cleansing before the transformation of spring begins in March. It follows this period of reflection as the New Year begins, when many of us resolve to start fresh with healthier habits - perhaps giving up sugar or adding daily exercise to our routines. Research shows, however, that by this point in the year, most of us have already given up on those resolutions.

If you committed to new, healthier habits in January, or created a dedicated theme for your year, are you still taking action toward your intention? If not, why not? If not, why not begin again? Purify, cleanse, release, and renew.

Not sure where to begin your purification process? Here are a few suggestions.

Tam’s Top 10 Tips for February Cleansing (and no, I’m not going to suggest a juice cleanse, so stick with me):

1) Start with your closets. Our "stuff" affects our energy, whether we think so or not. Take an hour and Marie Kondo that space! Grab a big box or bag and clear out any casual wear that you haven't worn in a year. Go through your business clothes and clear out anything that no longer fits. If you're not actively taking action toward the body of your dreams, rid yourself of the reminder of what you aren't accomplishing and choose to accept your new normal. Keep the clothes that you feel good in and that make you feel attractive and sexy just as you are. Yes, business-wear can feel sexy. If it doesn't, donate! Finally, look through your fancy dresses or suits and do the same. Keep the ones that light you up and you know for sure you'll wear again (yes, one day we'll be able to join together for big, fancy parties!) and donate the rest.

2. Surfaces!!! If you're anything like me, flat surfaces around the house become a host for piles of papers, books, and other random items that I have no idea where to store. Take the time to figure it out or throw it out! Then, dust or wash so that it looks shiny and new. If it's a dresser, keep it clear except for a few meaningful momentos or a jewelry box. A dining table... use it for dining! A lovely centerpiece will remind you to keep it clean. Invest in some storage if you have pictures or papers that need to be organized. Yes, this one might take longer than an hour and it's worth it to look around and FEEL how clear your space is.

3. Do a mind dump! One of the most cluttered areas in our lives is our minds. Did you know that on average we have 60,000 thoughts a day and 95% of them are the same ones that we had the day before and the day before that and the day before that and... you get the picture. Take 30 minutes to journal out all of the repeating thoughts that keep cluttering your brain space. Ask yourself the question, what thoughts do I keep thinking? Is it a conversation that you wish had gone better or one that you're rehearsing? Is it self-criticism that feels so natural that you barely notice it anymore? It's time to start noticing. All change begins with awareness and intention. So start paying attention and dump those thoughts! (PS - I’m amazing at helping people with this, so if you’re ready to get serious on this subject, contact me!)

4. Digital Detox: Take a day or two off of your devices. I did this in January and it created so much more space in my mind and my day. The things you can accomplish when you stop scrolling! Not to mention, after just 8 hours, I stopped thinking in short Facebook status updates. Do you do that? I did. We have enough natural chatter in our minds, which you’ll be especially aware once you’ve done the mind dump from above; we just don’t need the added conversations that Social Media adds.

5. Speaking of FB… isn’t it time to clean-up your feed? I swear by a carefully curated Facebook Feed for maximum enjoyment and minimum stress when I am on that platform. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be “friends” with every person you’ve ever known in your life. You don’t even have to be Facebook friends with your family. In fact, not being FB friends with one of my siblings is a credit to our relationship. I like him more when I don’t see the things that we vehemently disagree upon.

6. Watch what you’re watching - (Mal)Nourishment comes in many forms. Everything that you’re taking into your body and mind is effecting you. You might not think that 11 o’clock news program is upsetting your sleep, but what are you dreaming about? Watching serial killer shows right before bed? Bet they’re creeping in, as well. Spend a week reducing your TV/Netflix/Other viewing and try watching only programs that are educational or uplifting. Just for a week! Not a whole lifetime. No big, violent action flicks or dark tales of murder and mayhem. Try reading a book instead or watching rom coms. And, if sleep is a trouble spot for you, turn it all off two hours before bed to help your mind settle down before you try to do the same.

7. Peruse the perimeter! Now that you have more time on your hands (since you’re off of your devices… after you finish reading this, obviously), take another look around your home, especially around the walls. What are you stacking or storing that you no longer need? What else can you give away, donate, or trash? Is there an old, ugly couch in the corner that you haven’t bothered to drop at the curb, but you haven't sat on for years? How about your kitchen? A broken robot vacuum that you only wish would work? Do you really need 3 different coffee makers, griddles, or fruit baskets? Clear away the old and make some space for the new (not new stuff! New energy!).

8. Now, clean. You have less to move or go around, so give your home a good clean. Wash those windows, do your annual mopping (wait, is that just me?), and wipe down the baseboards. Give it a refresh. Consider it exercise. Cleaning burns calories, so it’s like a two for one!

9. Time for fire… symbolically or with incense and candles. Now that your home is clear of clutter and clean, your mind is running more efficiently with less to bog it down, so light some sage or your favorite scent of incense, some candles, and then turn on Barry White… wait, wrong topic… Back to the cleanse… Symbolically burn away old energies that no longer serve you. Set an intention to continually cleanse and purify yourself throughout the year to keep this new vibrancy that you’re feeling inside and out.

10. Take a bath! This one is really just for fun, but it fits the theme. You have the candles lit already. Why not top off all of this cleaning and decluttering of your homes (body home and physical home) with a good, hot soak? It’s the epitome of cleansing and purifying. Add some bath salts. Make it a ceremony. Begin again, committed to this new, cleaner, clearer you. Then, rock on with your bad self. ;)

Keep Failing at Creating a Life You Love? Here's Why...

So many people that I work with share the core belief that they are not enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not attractive enough, not outgoing enough, not a good enough cook, a good enough parent, a good enough friend, a good enough (insert professional title), or a good enough anything.

The script running in the background with that belief keeps you disconnected from living your fullest, biggest, best life. We limit ourselves because what underlies that "not good enough" belief is that we don't *deserve* the life we desire. You don't deserve it because you're not enough.

I want you to know that it isn't true, my friends. You are enough and you do deserve to create and live a life that you love. You deserve it now. You don't need another degree, certification (yeah, I'm talking to myself here, too 😊 ), promotion, partner, or ego-boost of any form because the life we love doesn't come from our ego. Believing you're enough and having true confidence does not come from your Ego. It comes from the deepest center of your heart and soul.

If you're a spiritual person, and you most likely are to some degree since you're here, you must know that Creator/Source/God/theUniverse (whatever name you put on it) does not make mistakes. They make perfection. You arrived here perfect and you will leave here perfect and it's up to you what you'll be in-between... and you're perfect. Just as you are.

If you don't get the promotion/the raise/ the girlfriend / the house / the whatever, it doesn't mean you weren't good enough or that you don't deserve it. It means that it isn't meant for you right now, in this time and place. You are being guided toward your most perfect experience, so lament not. Trust that where you are along your path is exactly where you're meant to be. You're not off the path, you're not missing the path, you are on your path. Every step of your life has been exactly where you were meant to be, even the rockiest, muddiest, most challenging areas. They brought you here, didn't they? And this is where you belong.

You can heal the relationship with yourself just like you can heal a rift with a friend or a lover. You need only to be willing to try and then to make a commitment to treating yourself in a more loving... or if that feels like too much to start with... a kinder way.

Start to become aware of the way that you speak to yourself in your mind and if you have a bully in there, allow yourself to start writing up its termination contract. You don't need that bully anymore. It has served you and now its service is no longer required. Thank it, give it a severance package, and send it on its way.