Surprise! There's More to Heal: What to do when shit surfaces.

Three innocent words, “Happy Birthday, Handsome!” Written on a friend’s timeline. My body had a response I wasn’t expecting. I tensed up, my breath shallowed, and my mind suggested that I was doing something wrong; that I was going to get into trouble.

Then I remembered: I’m safe. That person can’t hurt me anymore. I’m allowed to be friends with men. It’s even ok to flirt.

The lingering effects of domestic abuse don’t simply subside because you leave the relationship. Healing happens in layers and occasionally, even years later, layers surface and surprise us. There’s nothing wrong with us when it happens, so instead of asking yourself that harmful question, orient yourself. Look around the room you’re in. Feel your toes on the floor, your back against your chair, your fingers on that warm mug, or the keyboard, or the table. Give your attention to your breath and consciously slow it down and deepen it. Remind yourself where you are now, in this moment. Where you are now, in your life. Safe. Free. Whole. Yes, even if there’s more healing to do, you are whole. You were never broken, only broken down.

When the shit surfaces, love it. Love it for the reminder of where you were and what you’ve come through. Love it for the reminder to never allow it again. Love it for the message it sends to strengthen your emotional core, learn your worth (if you don’t know it yet), make yourself a priority, create and keep healthy boundaries, and never, ever again let someone else’s hurtful voice become the one in your head.

You are whole. You are worthy. You are lovable. Welcome the layers when they come up because over time, they are smaller, shorter, and allow you to see just how far you’ve come.